Where I've Been

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I've walked in life. I look back and wonder how I got to where I am now. I was born in 1967 to a normal family, mom, dad and two siblings. I don't remember much of my younger years as a child, but know that my parent's divorced a year or so after I was born. The stories I have heard about my father were not always what I wanted to hear, and often times I wondered if there was more to the story. My dad was apparently raised Catholic, but I am not sure he ever continued in his faith. I don't have any memories of my father, except stories that have been told me. He died 4 months after my 3rd birthday, all I have of my father now is some pictures and some stories of the man he was. My mother remarried when I was only 4, and my stepdad became the only dad I ever knew as a father. I can't say that he was a great father, but he did provide for my siblings and me and took on a huge responsibility in caring for this "new" family he had married into. My mother never really treated him as he deserved, he wasn't perfect, but he did work a full-time job to provide for his "family". I think I have a lot more respect for him now that I have grown up then when I was a child under his authority. I wouldn't say he disciplined fairly, or that he disciplined out of love, but he did what he thought was best at the time. My mother was often very critical of him and always talked bad about him around us kids. I can remember arguments and fights that ended up in someone leaving or breaking something. It seems like all the things you ever dreamed life would be never seem to come true, or maybe they do but you just can't see it. I often feel like I am living someone else's life. If I had to choose the life I lived it would be so different. First of all, I would have lived in a loving Christian home, where God's love was clearly shown. I would have loved to have a family that loved the Lord and who wanted to know Jesus more than anything. I would want to have my father be a part of my life growing up. I definitely would go back and change a few things if I could. Maybe that's the part I have a hard time with trying to enjoy life now, maybe I want to change the past somehow thinking it will make things all better today. There are so many things that I dreamed my life would be and none of it has ever happened.